Good morning, everyone. Welcome to day one of the new way.
I'd like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.
There will be no touching of the four-foot seed bell in my dressing room. No breaking off pieces of my seed bell. No talking about the seed bell. NONE.
Do not open the cage of my human-sized bird. IF YOU OPEN THE CAGE, EXPECT TO GET MESSED UP BY THAT BIRD.
There is no excuse for this because there is no reasoning with that bird. It got in there, I put a cage around it, it wasn't easy, end of story. Stop asking.
Don't reach your hands into the bird cage. That big bird does not bite but it spits. All I feed it is pumpkin seeds and brazil nuts but it turns those into a black goop. If you get that goop on you, son, you deserved it.
My security team is not around to keep you away from the bird because they are 24/7 occupied with the duty of taking the eggs he lays and putting them in shoe boxes back at my house. He is a boy bird and he lays eggs. I asked a doctor about this and it is verified.
Again, DO NOT ask about why a boy bird lays eggs. I did not author this bird and all his peculiarities; I am his caretaker.
I want all of you to stop teaching this bird bad words. That includes TV staff.
You must teach him only words that you can prove are used in the Bible.
Do not approach me while I'm in the makeup chair eating my giant omelet unless I am asking you to grate cheddar cheese or put hot sauce on my omelet. Either bring a topping of your own or bring your own dang omelet. This is my egg meal. I only get two a day.
Do not go from the makeup room and into my dressing room and tell that bird about my omelets. This has got nothing to do with him and I am only using regular chicken eggs, not talking human-sized bird eggs.
I promise you if you tell that bird about the omelets I am going to bring him to your house at night and turn him loose in there. He is going to be very agitated because I won't give him any Brazil nuts or pumpkin seeds.
If you're reading this, yes, I mean you.
Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. I swear on Jesus' name that if that bird gets raised up wrong he is going to kill us all. We are in this together. If we raise him up properly and teach him Christian words he is going to respect us and fill the shoe boxes of every single one of you come Christmas time.
Thank you all,
Levi Johnston confronts his own mortality and offers his support for a new candidate for president.
Self-driving pizza delivery cars were an invention never meant for this world.
A sign proclaiming "BACTA: DA FUTURE" marks the town's medical clinic
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.