It is for honor and sacred oathkeeping that I traverse the linked realms, pummeling the mightiest warriors from all clans.
As my realmjumper device begins the hours-long spinup for my departure I shall pummel these words into mighty tablets of stone, so that my deeds may be remembered by your kind with crippling shame. This is a record of the foes I have conquered in your realm through clever pummeling. As they were the best your kind had to offer, it is through their defeat that I have bested you all.
FIRST there was a male. As I stepped around a corner with my fists raised high above my head in the standard pummeling stance, he let a high-pitched battle cry loose and turned to run in the opposite direction.
This was the move of a hardened champion. He clearly intended to circle your planet, picking up speed as he went, before striking me down with a single blow made devastating by his momentum. To encounter such a worthy foe on my first outing was a tremendous honor and an omen of great pummelings to come!
I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck before he managed a single step and pummeled him with all due admiration.
SECOND was a woman champion. So certain was she of her combat accumen that she remained motionless in her angled bed, a small tube depositing clear liquid into her forearm. This was in a smallish room, one of many in a large building full of other warriors laying in identical beds wearing light blue robes.
Her entire body was covered in strange armor. It appeared to be ceremonial cloth, but as my pummels rained down they were deflected by the surprisingly resilient material. Such advanced armor could only have been handed down by this realm's emperor, marking the woman as an elite foe beyond measure.
She did not seem troubled by the pummeling. In fact, she did not even open her eyes. But on that day I swear to you by the watchers of the linked realms that this, your mightiest female warrior, did not lay a single hand on me. Victory!
THIRD was an unusually small champion, of which the others in his party cried, "He is Only Eight Years Old!"
Only Eight Years Old shall be remembered for all time as one of my all-time greatest foes.
This encounter posed the most difficulty of all my challenges. You see, Only Eight Years old had cleverly made himself so small that his body presented far less surface area to pummel.
It was only through tremendous concentration and accuracy that I was able to land several pummels on Only Eight Years Old before his honor guard dragged me out of the Arby's restaurant. As they held my head in a dumpster full of roast beef and mayonnaise and pummeled my kidney-hearts, I smiled to myself. Any man capable of commanding such loyalty from his followers was truly a worthy adversary!
END OF STONE TABLET SIDE A - PLEASE TURN OVER TO STONE TABLET SIDE B
Levi Johnston confronts his own mortality and offers his support for a new candidate for president.
Self-driving pizza delivery cars were an invention never meant for this world.
A sign proclaiming "BACTA: DA FUTURE" marks the town's medical clinic
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.