You don't need much of an excuse to revisit one of the best games of all time. Which is good, because Dark Souls: Remastered is certainly not much of an excuse.

This new edition of the game looks a little better in some ways, a little... different in other ways, and that's about it. Or so it seems. Dig a little deeper and you'll find a host of changes that have die-hard Souls fans irate.

  • When you die your skin no longer turns to beef jerky. Now your hollowed flesh grows increasingly supple and sexy, with ultra realistic pores, TressFX body hair, and sweat tech that puts the latest NBA game to shame.
  • The concept of souls has been replaced with science and reason, represented in game by magical Logic Souls.
  • Skeleton wheels were considered overpowered. The wheels have been taken away, leaving skeletons to just sort of dejectedly somersault towards you.
  • Combat has been completely overhauled. All enemies die in 1-2 hits, do almost no damage to the player, and disappear forever once defeated. The player's moveset has been condensed to a single context-sensitive input prompt inspired by Dragon Age 2's groundbreaking "press button for awesome" system.
  • Every time you start the game there's an unskippable video of actual eyeball surgery.
  • A new voiceover points out all the subtle lore as you play, explaining everything in concrete terms. As you speak to each NPC the voiceover whispers variations of "That was a lie" or "You can trust this lady" so you are never in doubt.
  • Multiplayer netcode is fully revamped. Now all invaders can always get an instant backstab on you, no matter where they are standing, even if you're dodging. The reverse is not true.
  • Remember the incredible level design that connected nearly every area in the game through a web of circuitous routes, hidden paths, and obstacles that turned into shortcuts? Well, now you travel across all that by scooting around on your butt like a dog, leaving one continuous streak in your wake.
  • Bonfires are gone. Now you can Quicksave/Quickload anywhere. Also, now the entire game is constantly on fire.
  • Blighttown, infamous for its low framerate, is now a literal waterslide that carries you from one end to the other at a completely uncontrollable 12000fps.
  • The player message system has been greatly streamlined. Now the only available words are "finger" and "but" and "hole".
  • Enemy placement is completely different. All mobs are twenty yards to the west of their original location, placing many of them outside the level geometry or in mid-air so they drop when the level loads.
  • Fan-favorite good guy Solaire has some strong opinions about immigration and black people kneeling at football games...
  • In the original release of Dark Souls the game would say "YOU DEFEATED" after you beat a boss. In the Prepare to Die edition the message was change to "VICTORY ACHIEVED". Now it says "PRESS Y TO PURCHASE KEY FOR THIS BOSS'S LOOT CRATE".

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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