Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase?
Yessir, if this family continues to not mention past incidents, Costco could give us all a new lease on life.
We're not going to solve gun massacres with bad manners, people.
The only twelve-step program I want to take are the twelve steps it takes to get me out of this room. Give or take a few steps.
All the dirt on the latest thing the President did that you'll forget about in two days.
Those geniuses in Silicon Valley have done it again and unlocked the true power of chicken.
Missed Christmas? Retain your few remaining friendships with our handy guide.
Nothing but the most convenient for the outer rung of your circle of friends.
Serial killers: they're just like you and me.
Those NFL players have really stuck their knees in it this time!
You tried, but you failed. And I'm here to tell you how in excruciating detail.
The scariest thing about Halloween isn't ghouls or ghosts. It's the PC police.
You might be disappointed in me, but I'm honestly way more disappointed in myself.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
Get the REAL DIRT from BIG BOYS IN BLUE who deal with BAD HOMBRES!
To be honest, it's extremely insulting to be labeled a "Nazi." Was I marching with several Nazis? Yes. Was I waving a Nazi flag as I marched? Yes, but only out of kindness: I was holding it for another man so he could wave a larger Nazi flag.
One completely reasonable non-sexist man explains why women shouldn't be tortured by white-collar jobs.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Remember, traveling underground in a rickety metal tube full of farts carries its own specific code of conduct.
I had to register my complaints while they were still fresh. And while the bark was still fresh and pliable.
One brave man discovers drugs aren't as accessible as the media would have you believe.
Get good at the hottest online murder simulator with our collection of hints.
Can inflicting severe emotional damage on your own children for profit go too far?
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The true reasons behind Bannon's removal may surprise you.
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
A young boy, facing controversy over a joke in a country with "free speech?" Is this even America anymore?
Yeah, I went there. And I'll go there again. Don't believe me? I'm there ALREADY.
Are you a coward, or do you just have more important things to do? Either way, I'll still destroy you with my logic.
If you don't enter our stores with a gun full of bullets and a brain full of unhinged questions, we'll serve you with a smile.
New additions to our favorite collection of plastic freaks.
All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner: A literal Nazi.
My write-in president's gonna make a monkey outta you!
Ensure your little ones are safe and relatively poison-free with the following tips designed to keep them healthy, outside of their teeth and blood sugar levels.
Your local Halloween Superstore is back in town, bringing with it quality products and a plea for sanity from its proprietor.
As is the case with all political speeches, Hillary Clinton's "basket of deplorables" comment exists as one of thousands of possible options run through high-priced consultants and focus groups. Here are some of them.
Take a look at Hollywood's brightest stars who won't be allowed to shine at this year's RNC.
One man's journey to help the disenfranchised voice their complaints with some civility.
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
It's every father's worst nightmare: A growing boy without a healthy appetite.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
A child President could be more than our country could handle.
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
One highway patrolman sets the record straight on the most senseless acts of modern drivers.
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